Have You Seen this Karp?

(Above: Have you seen this karp?)
February 12, 2017
Reported by Panda

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE - The Karpdashians recently went on a marine trip to the Bermuda Triangle, which sparked further outrage in the feud between the fishes and the blue whales. The Karpdashians, considered fish with very big tails, were seen as a taunt by the blue whales, and the blue whales retaliated by capturing Kimmy Karpdashian to hold for ransom.

"I don't know what to do without her," said Kimmy's mate, KanKan East, nonchalantly. "What do I do without her?"

However, other fishes are proving very resilient to this ransom. General Sharky Shark of the Freedom Fishes says, "No, of course we are not going to accept this ransom. She will not be missed anyway."

In addition, the media has been erupting with #FreeKimmy hashtags, with KiwiChat's platform getting a 22% increase in activity for the first time since 2001.

"We can't let this idol just die off," says one tearful fan. "What else do we live for?"

Determine your Gender with the Gendeterminer

February 12, 2017
Reported by Panda

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA - Seahorses working in their aqua-labs at Stemford University have revolutionized the tech world with their new product, the Gendeterminer. The Gendeterminer uses prime facial recognition technology to determine what gender you truly are. The asexual seahorses have long been at odds with what gender they really are, and the Gendeterminer will make this process a lot easier for them.

“The Gendeterminer uses decades of facial-pattern data to analyze your behavioral habits and cross-reference them with the traits of various genders,” the head scientist, Dr. Orca, explains. “There are thousands of different genders available. I was identified as an AK-47 she-wolf, which is exactly how I feel.”

This has quelled many of the millennials who have been wondering what their exact gender is. Many protesters, unable to overcome the frustration of not knowing their gender, turned to violence and arson to protest. The Gendeterminer’s release would contribute to the decline of gender-fueled disputes.

“The Gendeterminer has occurred under President Rump’s regime-uh-presidency,” Rump’s political advisor, Killa N. Kahoot, claims. “This shows how much President Rump is qualified for presidency.”