Scandalion or Scandaliar?

The Scandalion
November 4, 2017
Reported by Jaguar (Koala will return from his nap shortly to take back his position as Animal Farm H.Q. journalist.)

ANIMAL FARM H.Q., WASHINGTON D.C. - Anyone fancy a scandal? Well, look no further—there's one right here, in Animal Farm America. Bob Mule, the head of the investigation into President Rump's possible collusion crisis with the hacker group, Animals Anonymous, has emerged out of a seemingly low status investigation with a scandalous claim—Scarface Manefort conducted underhand deals in order to contribute to President Rump's election. Manefort, a dignified lion with a glorious mane of rich sheen, has denied these claims and has plead not guilty. But Manefort, being such a dignified lion, could not keep a straight, guiltless face while saying this, and sources say that he is up for a court trial very soon. And on the courts, animals are expecting lots.

Dubbed the "Scandalion," Manefort has received much hate over social media. On the social networking platform KiwiChat, animals have been calling out Manefort as a "liar" and as a "lion whose pants are on fire." In particular, renowned circus celebrity, Jimmy the John, has commented that "Manefort deserves a nice shave down his mane...we'll see him in prison."

However, a conservative group of re-Puglicans have voiced their issues with Bob Mule's clandestine operations and his "biased" perspective. The re-Puglicans claim that Bob Mule did some sort of deal with a turkey, and thus he is unqualified to lead this investigation. Instead, the re-Puglican party leader, Cocknell the Cock (as in chicken), has proposed a resolution to remove Bob Mule from power, as well as a new candidate for the Animals Anonymous collusion crisis investigation—a certain "Mortimer Smith" whom no one has heard of. When we looked into Mortimer Smith's background information, all we could find was his/her KiwiChat address. When we contacted him/her, the only reply we received was, "Would you like to see my pog collection?"

Demo-crickets, which are crickets that demonstrate their power by chirping in perfect harmony, have voiced the thoughts of the average animal citizen as they tune into this news: "This is even fishier than that fish scandal down in the Bermuda."

Protests Against ElephantCare™

March 20, 2017
Written by Koala

ANIMAL FARM HQ, WASHINGTON D.C. - It's a sour day here in Washington D.C. as the new healthcare plan for animals, dubbed ElephantCare™ by President Rump, is released. The new plan, which is replacing the old HippoCare plan, is accused to reducing healthcare to the top 20% of animals while gaining personal profits every time the word ElephantCare™ is used. There have been rumors that President Rump has patented and trademarked this plan as his own, but no confirmed reports have been released yet.

Animal Farm spoke to Tiki Tofu, a Japanese whale and also an economic analyst. Tofu explained the inflation of healthcare and the deflation of the poor through this plan.

"President Rump's plan is pure genius," Tofu says. "It makes profits for the government without raising taxes, and through depopulation of the poor, less funds are needed for the public and service sectors, effectively saving the nation billions of pesos. With this new plan (which I will not name) in place, President Rump is saving this nation. Make Animal Farm great again!"

However, many animals are against ElephantCare™, claiming it to be an unfair and discriminatory plan.

"My calf was shot by those no-good human hunters today," a livid giraffe mother in Alabama says. "I took him to the hospital for some medicine but they denied him, saying that he's 'too brown' for treatment. What in the name of tarnation is that supposed to mean? God almighty and sweet baby Beejesus help us, because this nation is going downhill all the d*mn way to h*ll!"

Many citizens are expressively voicing their support against ElephantCare™, and while President Rump himself hasn't spoken to the press yet, Animal Farm HQ sent out press secretary Timothy Saurus Rex to quell with protesters.

"ElephantCare™, once integrated into America's crucial social security, will prove itself worthy of civilian taxes and will effectively prove an ultimatum in this long-standing economy established by our founding fathers, George Whaleshington and Benjamin Ferretkin," Rex told the press. "Now, you wouldn't want to go against our foundin' fathers' wishes, do you?"

Protesters were effectively quelled by Rex, stating that they did not want to go against the founding fathers' wishes.

While economic analysts are revering the plan, protests are still erupting throughout the nation, and even Rex's smooth words cannot stop the tension that is building up here in Animal Farm America.

Have You Seen this Karp?

(Above: Have you seen this karp?)
February 12, 2017
Reported by Panda

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE - The Karpdashians recently went on a marine trip to the Bermuda Triangle, which sparked further outrage in the feud between the fishes and the blue whales. The Karpdashians, considered fish with very big tails, were seen as a taunt by the blue whales, and the blue whales retaliated by capturing Kimmy Karpdashian to hold for ransom.

"I don't know what to do without her," said Kimmy's mate, KanKan East, nonchalantly. "What do I do without her?"

However, other fishes are proving very resilient to this ransom. General Sharky Shark of the Freedom Fishes says, "No, of course we are not going to accept this ransom. She will not be missed anyway."

In addition, the media has been erupting with #FreeKimmy hashtags, with KiwiChat's platform getting a 22% increase in activity for the first time since 2001.

"We can't let this idol just die off," says one tearful fan. "What else do we live for?"

Debunking the Green Bowling Massacre

February 12, 2017
Reported by Toucan

WARREN COUNTY, KENTUCKY - There was much outrage over the "misstatement" made by Killa N. Kahoot two weeks ago on Jan. 29th, when she tried to justify President Rump's discriminatory ban on moose and lambs by referring to the Bowling Green "Massacre." The Bowling Green Massacre was scoffed at by the media as being "fake" and referred to as the "terrorist attack that never happened."

But now, we have some evidence that the Bowling Green Massacre, in a way, was actually true. Here is what we have so far:

1. Killa N. Kahoot was in fact referring to the Green Bowling Massacre of 2013, which took place at a nearby Brunswick Zone where the Green Bowlers, a prestigious middle school bowling team, massacred their opponents, the White Supremacists, in a one-sided round with the Green Bowlers each scoring a perfect 300.

2. Two of these Green Bowlers were moose and two of them were lambs. Coincidence?

3. The losing opponents - the White Supremacists - ended up becoming racists and are hoping to apply at Kompton Kommunity Kollege. This shows how much impact this Green Bowling Massacre had.

So, after reviewing the facts, we can see that Killa N. Kahoot was in fact not wrong, but she simply got her words mixed up. She meant to refer to the Green Bowling Massacre, where the Green Bowlers slayed the White Supremacists (in bowling).

Indeed, it was a terrible tragedy.

Protests Against Rump

February 12, 2017
Reported by Koala

ANIMAL FARM HQ, WASHINGTON D.C. - It’s been twenty-two days since the inauguration of the first elephant president in 8 years, President Rump, gaining high praise for his giant rump. And it’s been nine days of violent protests at Animal Farm Headquarters at the capital of America.

There have been 8 reported casualties and 49 injuries due to police-protester conflicts. An estimated $500,000 has been reported for property loss due to these riots. President Rump has not said anything about the matter officially. However, on the social media platform, KiwiChat, President Rump has unofficially declared that he plans to team up with the Pirate Parrots of Mumbai to suppress these protesters. Of course, he has done so discreetly and claims to have the right to change his words at any time.

“The Pirate Parrots of Mumbai are an excellent, excellent group,” Rump said on his KiwiChat. “They have huge amounts of experience dealing with protesters and riot groups.”

The Pirate Parrots of Mumbai have reportedly been seen firing cannons into the midst of peaceful protesters. Many citizens of Animal Farm agree that this may be detrimental to the security of our nation.

“President Rump, in his debates for candidacy, promised to permanently expel the Pirate Parrots from the face of this planet,” says concerned citizen Rolly, an armadillo. “Now, he’s saying that he will be working together with them! That’s outrageous!”

President Rump has not released any further information on this matter.

The Demand for Ice

January 28, 2017
Reported by Koala

OSLO, NORWAY - It's a long day for our friends up in the north. The ice caps are melting, sea levels are rising, and the elephants aren't admitting that climate change is real. It's a bad day to be a polar bear.

"That d*nm, shirtless grizzly bear in Russia won't do anything about it," Retchy, a polar bear in northern Norway, says. "I think that grizzly bear and the elephant in America are working together somehow."

Retchy is one of many polar bears in protest of the ignorance to climate change. His entire family was displaced, which shows how the dictatorship of the elephants in the Americas are affecting animals worldwide, even the polar bears way up north. Retchy and his family were interviewed as they passed through customs in Germany, where they were accepted as refugees in the impending crisis.

"The problem is ice," Retchy says. "The ice is melting and we go down with them." Retchy's sister, Wrecka, spoke a similar opinion about the downfall of polar bears. Unfortunately, she was so hungry she ate the reporter and the camera, so no footage exists of her saying it.

"If America admits climate change is real and allows free trade of ice to the north, the polar bears can survive," Retchy explained. "Otherwise, we will be targeted as terrorists in European cities. Polar bears are, after all, considered barbaric."

Whether America admits climate change is real or not, it's clear that winter, for sure, is coming.